Lost

One time having dinner at the R's overlooking Central Park West
Another time sitting in some urine-soaked doorway in the rain in SF

Watching television with the kids and saw some cartoon character
A little child bending over crying - in a strange place - filled with bullies

I saw myself, wasn't sure though that i could stand up afterwards as the girl did
If I really let myself double over - and quit bullshitting you all

Today I saw my daughter shining through my picture of her
And though "nothing is ever gotten from another"

I still drove across town to get her "deepie"
And her princess pillow

The "deepie" is a sheepskin that she loves
She went to sleep 5 minutes after I gave it to her

Even though my son was making tons of noise in his
Lightning McQueen (Disney will take more of your money heartlessly)
Jammies

I wrote a note to my ex wife
While picking up the "deepie"

And it said everything about cleaning the house
and about money and such

But here's what I did not write :

Betrayal in hotblooded insanity - regretted, mourned, incompletely grieved
as opposed to
Abandonment in cold-blooded clarity - unexamined, unregretted, discarded

I used to be able to rank them in terms of
in terms of just how cold they really are
but I find

I simply cannot anymore